how to make friends as a grown up
this post was originally shared on Substack on September 16, 2024
Hello, dear internet pals -
How are you doing today? How is your heart? How is your body? Can you take a moment to just check-in and notice what’s going on in that beautiful self of yours? No matter how you are showing up today, it is ok and welcome. You are here. You are doing great.
Lately (and by that, I mean for the last few years) I have been thinking a lot about community, friendship, and platonic love. About how important it is to be surrounded by a community that loves you, celebrates you and with you, grieves with you, can hold you physically and energetically, can reflect back to you your inherent goodness and worthiness, can hold you accountable, and can just be a person or people to enjoy life with.
Sadly I think a lot of us are currently struggling with a deep sense of loneliness and are yearning for this kind of companionship.
Our culture glorifies individualism and says that we should be able to do it all on our own. Which just isn’t true. We need people. We can’t do it all on our own. Friends help to share the load.
But making friends, and maintaining friendships, as an adult is SO F*CKING HARD AND NO ONE EVER TEACHES US HOW TO DO IT.
We aren’t kids anymore who can just approach someone on the swings and say “hey wanna play with me”. Well, maybe we can, but that seems so scary and vulnerable and there aren’t a lot of adult playgrounds…
A few months ago I posted a little question box on Instagram asking people to share how they met their friends as a grown up. I got over 2000 responses and a lot of them were “I am struggling with this, please share responses”. I had intended to share the responses back when I posted the question, but I got overwhelmed and also wanted to take the time to go through them and put it all together in a thoughtful manner that may be easier to digest than just sharing 100 slides of screenshotted responses. So here we are now three months later and I finally have found the time and energy to do so!
Before I share the list though, I have two thoughts on this subject that i think are important to share:
If you struggle with feeling alone, please know you are not alone in this. I know it can seem like everyone else has a vibrant social life and is surrounded by lots and lots of friends, but that may not necessarily be true. What may be shared on social media is a highlight reel and we never know what struggles someone is going through. I repeat: you are not alone
There are a lot of things that can make it be and feel really hard and scary to put yourself out there in order to try to make new friends. Trauma, discrimination, abuse, judgement, shame, supremacy culture, and any other number of factors can make it be (and/or feel) really unsafe to meet new people and open up to them - if this is the case for you, please know (again) you are not alone and you deserve to be accepted, loved, held and celebrated for all that you are
After reading through all of the responses, my key take away was:
Identify what are your values and interests are and seek out the places where those values and interests are celebrated, taught, and practiced and you’ll meet people who are similar.
Basically: Do activities you love and you’ll meet people who are doing what they love too
Where to meet your new best friend:
Classes: pottery (the #1 recommendation!), dance, basket weaving, sewing, Tai Chi, painting, improv, poetry, etc.
sometimes classes can be very expensive which may be inaccessible, but there are often cheaper or even free classes through your local community center, community college, museum and library that may be wroth checking out
Social dances: ecstatic dance (one of my favorite things), contra dancing, line dancing, etc.
The gym: yoga, climbing, spin, cross fit, lifting, rowing, swimming, etc.
Local groups and meet-ups: boardgame nights, buy nothing groups, various craft meetups, knitting groups, queer meet-ups, zine-making clubs, etc.
Books: bookclubs, events at the library, author talks at your local bookstore
Choir
Craft shows
this one seems particularly promising if you are a self employed maker and want to connect with fellow makers (just please don’t allow competition or jealousy get in the way of connecting)
Places of worship: Church, Temple, Zen centers, etc.
The Workplace
if you do go to an office or place of work, the shared experiences can go a long way in helping you bond with your coworkers
Through friends and partners
already have a close friend? ask them if you can meet their other friends - it’s likely you’ll get along since you already have someone in common that you both like
Activism, organizing, attending protests, volunteering and being involved in local politics
Recovery meetings and groups
Al Anon is a good option :)
Through Instagram and other social media apps
internet friends count as friends and can become IRL friends if you want them to!
Through your kids and kids’ school if you are a parent
Friend making apps: Bumble BFF, Peanut app (for parents), Yubo, Hoop
Concerts and music festivals
Trivia nights at a local bar
The dog park
Clients and customers
if you are self employed but have clients or customers, like if you’re a tattoo artist, it seems promising that the people who want to hire you may also want to be your friend
Roller derby league
Retreats
Local community garden
Neighbors
Just saying hi to someone you see at a shop, bar, cafe who seems like they may be interesting
this one is terrifying for those of us that tend towards introversion BUT I will say, that I met one of my best friends when she complimented my outfit in a store where she was working and we got started talking about sewing and then followed each other on Instagram. After a year of just following each other on IG and occasionally chatting, she asked if I wanted to meet up for a drink and now we’ve been best friends for four years and I don’t know what I would do without her <3
I am sure there are endless other options for where to meet people who could potentially become your new friend. But I hope this can be a helpful place to start if you’re looking for ideas for how to build your community!
One last thought on the subject: making a new friend is one thing, but maintaining friendships is another. AND it is also ok for friendships to end. Not everyone needs to be your best friend. And if you feel like you can’t be your true authentic self with someone or that you are the only one putting in effort to maintain the friendship, then maybe it isn’t the best relationship for you. Doesn’t mean that that person is ~bad~ or that there is something wrong with either of you. Not everyone is for everyone.
Building relationships takes time and effort. Learning to repair after ruptures is incredibly important. As is learning to heal from codependency, shame, and attachment wounds. I am not at all an expert on this and have had some really painful friendship break ups, but I am learning and am growing every single day.
“Authenticity may move us away from some people, but it is always moving us toward others. This is the community that will celebrate our new way of being.”
- Liberated Love, Mark Groves + Kylie McBeath